Friday, July 2, 2010

Nearly a Year Later

209 pounds ~

I was about to start a new blog, being unable to remember which email address I had assigned to this one...when suddenly this morning, the lightbulb came on and I remembered!

So, I'm back. After a move across the ocean, thousands of miles driven, one pregnancy survived, a new boy born, and fifty pounds lost and regained...I'm back.

Last night, as I sat in bed nursing the baby, I thought about what this food issue is really all about. It's not the real problem, and it's not the solution. The problem is that I have a hunger for something, and I use food to satisfy it. But food doesn't satisfy it. It's a hunger for something else.

In my mind, I know I think that losing the weight I want and getting into shape will be what will satisfy that hunger within me. But when I stop and think about it, I know that's not true either.

So somehow, this is something I need to do just because it's good for me. On one hand, I will be a lot more comfortable in a slimmer body; and it's better for my health, too. But on the other, I need to acknowledge that neither being fat and eating whatever I want, nor being thin enough to fulfil cultural expectations of beauty, is going to be the thing that makes me "happy at last."

Yes, I will reach into the philosophical realm and venture to say that there's something so fatally flawed about this life that even when we have (as I do) wonderful things like food, shelter, family and friends, the soul is left hungry for something more. I would venture to say, something even more than a relationship with God. The soul is left hungry, maybe because it just wasn't made to be satisfied with an imperfect world.

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