Thursday, July 15, 2010

strange dreams of night

Yes, last night I dreamt strange things. I dreamt that a friend was telling me his wife (who is pregnant) weighed 500 pounds and wasn't doing well at all; that seemed amazing to me, as she really weighs probably around 150 or less.

I dreamt that there was a huge copperhead too close to me; in reality, I had almost stepped on a very small one curled up on my doorstep when arriving home from an airport run after midnight.

I dreamt that I saw a photo of myself not oh-so-long ago, when I had lost weight between my pregnancies. I looked great in the photo, and the optimism I felt in the dream has sifted into the day. Come on, now! It will take some time for me to lose the weight I've got to lose, but it's empowering knowing that I can keep track of what I'm eating and control the amount I'm intaking for effective weight loss. I'm going to do it, to look like the healthy, happy-faced girl I saw in the photo in the dream.

Started off the day with a cup of cherries. Can't have a bad day after that, or after so many crazy dreams, right?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

overachiever? or maybe just visionary

Not sure which one, but I do tend to dream big, at least from time to time. Today, I've already considered self-publishing a book of the poetry I have not yet written.

And of course, monumental weight loss is my recurring big dream. I have neatly folded stacks of clothes waiting as testimony of the idealistic hope I hold in myself.

Now the big question--how to turn dreams into actual reality, to carry them beyond the realm of mere possibility.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Do Skinny People Have Fun?

Silly question, right? But today, as I watched a skinny girl speed-walking past my kitchen window, I asked it.

I have to admit, it's an epic question that occurs to me often as I re-prepare myself for weight loss time and time again: "Will I be plagued with trying to stay thin once I achieve thinness?" The silly thing is, it wouldn't be any more of a nagging pressure than the pressure I feel now just to get there. But truthfully, I do watch thin people sometimes and think, "Do they always feel that they have to exercise and monitor their eating carefully to maintain that thinness they've achieved (or always had)?"

Why do I worry about that? Like, I can worry about it if I ever even get there, right? And anyways, I do love exercise. Love getting out early in the morning when it's cooler, when the sun is just rising, when the world is quiet other than the singing of the birds.

Maybe it's the eating I'm worried about. Worried that I'll never enjoy any delicious food ever again. Guess that's the problem that got me here in the first place: "Better eat this piece of chocolate cake--there may never be another!"

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Delightful Soups!

I've been experimenting with new recipes, mostly of the healthy sort. I got a few recipe books from the library and am pretty happy with two of them. One I'm really enjoying, and have made four or five recipes from, is Splendid Soups: Recipes and Master Techniques for Making the World's Best Soups, by James Peterson.

Soon, I'm hoping to post some of my adapted recipes (he usually calls for a little more fat that necessary, so I've changed the recipes a little and they still taste wonderful!) The favorites include a curried corn soup and a very green Spinach soup. Then there's also my long-time favorite Whole-Beet Borscht, adapted just slightly from a recipe out of The New Laurel's Kitchen (a favorite cookbook that was first given to me, then lost, then rebought, and read from cover to cover at least once!)

It's recipes like these soups that keep me inspired--joining healthfulness with deliciousness. I'm not doing perfectly yet at always setting a completely nutritious table, but I am at least taking baby steps in that direction. So, look for delicious, nutritious soup recipes coming up soon.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Nearly a Year Later

209 pounds ~

I was about to start a new blog, being unable to remember which email address I had assigned to this one...when suddenly this morning, the lightbulb came on and I remembered!

So, I'm back. After a move across the ocean, thousands of miles driven, one pregnancy survived, a new boy born, and fifty pounds lost and regained...I'm back.

Last night, as I sat in bed nursing the baby, I thought about what this food issue is really all about. It's not the real problem, and it's not the solution. The problem is that I have a hunger for something, and I use food to satisfy it. But food doesn't satisfy it. It's a hunger for something else.

In my mind, I know I think that losing the weight I want and getting into shape will be what will satisfy that hunger within me. But when I stop and think about it, I know that's not true either.

So somehow, this is something I need to do just because it's good for me. On one hand, I will be a lot more comfortable in a slimmer body; and it's better for my health, too. But on the other, I need to acknowledge that neither being fat and eating whatever I want, nor being thin enough to fulfil cultural expectations of beauty, is going to be the thing that makes me "happy at last."

Yes, I will reach into the philosophical realm and venture to say that there's something so fatally flawed about this life that even when we have (as I do) wonderful things like food, shelter, family and friends, the soul is left hungry for something more. I would venture to say, something even more than a relationship with God. The soul is left hungry, maybe because it just wasn't made to be satisfied with an imperfect world.
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